“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?"- Author Unknown

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Sometimes you just don't know what to do...

In good news, I have a meeting with my college to fix things so that I can go back to school again & Brannon got a promotion at work, Cosmo is adjusting perfectly to life in his forever home, and Marley has recovered from her infections!  Brannon and I are celebrating 13 years of looourve- our first date was 8/10 & he officially requested me to be his girlfriend on 8/13 :) I'm grateful I have him!

Now on to what I really came here to vent about...  I'm 30 years old and I'm going through some kind of crisis, lol.  I know I'm not a kid anymore, I'm adulting pretty well these days...  but I'm really struggling with feeling abandoned by my family, and I'm not sure what I can even do about it.  I'm not even sure what writing it out will do, but I'm starting to resort to vague facebook statuses because wouldn't ya know it, direct communication didn't work with them, and I hate the way that makes me look and feel on facebook, lol.

Apparently growing up I was a "handful", but looking back, I'm pretty sure I just had young, impatient parents who while trying their best, were basically raising their family in a moving pressure cooker, lol.  I moved out at 17 because I thought it would be better for them if I did.  To this day, they think I moved out to be with my boyfriend, now husband.  I would have much rather finished out being a kid, but I loathe conflict and just wanted peace for everyone.  They moved about 3.5 hours away two years after I graduated high school.  I've lived in Oklahoma family-less, since 2005.  In that time we've made countless trips to see them, and they've made a handful of trips to see us.  Each time we get together good times are had.  My mom and I have always been very, very close despite the distance- she never really let me feel it.

A couple of years ago, that kind of changed.  I'm not sure what happened, but there was a specific shift and now it feels like I'm here and they are there.  Text messages got shorter (on their end) and phone calls go unanswered, visits have gotten much longer in between, yet the I love you's on social media have remained...  I figured it was because we didn't have children, and my brother who lives close to them does.  And suddenly they decided to foster baseball players; not little league players- but grown men with their own families, playing baseball for money.  They board them, feed them, and support them at all of the games (even bailed one out of jail).  My mom mourns one when they leave, they even made plans to visit one in another state/area.  They invite all of their friends, and there is no shortage of selfies documenting all the fun, It's hard not to sound like a selfish little brat, haha, trust me, I don't like the way this sounds or feels, and it's certainly not the feels that make said family want to spend more time with you, but like I said, I don't know what to do anymore.  It feels like they pretend to love me, but invest zero actual loves.

I miss my family, the unit that we used to be, and life is slipping further and further away from that point in time.  The grief I feel about this is very real, so much so that I even mustered the mustard enough to talk to my mom about it pretty directly, but unintended guilt trip begat guilt trip and nothing was resolved.  Plans were made to spend more time, and the grand plan she created to magically fix things never happened, and the weekend we had planned for was spent at the ballpark for them, again.

I have no idea why I'm writing this, lol.  Maybe to explain my vague statuses, maybe in hopes they do read it, maybe just to get it out so I stop posting emo crap, lol.  Either way, it sucks when life doesn't go like you picture it and this is just another one of those times.

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