Update & a Summer Bucket List

You’re in for a long one!  I know I’ve been silent and haven’t been updating- I swear to goodness I haven’t given up- I’m still fighting HARD, it’s just been so hectic with work & home that I haven’t been able to blog!  Work has been jam packed with busyness & my laptop at home is out of commission, so blogging has been difficult.  I have a few free moments so I’ll fill you in. 

 

Most of my free time goes to spending time with Brannon while he’s in a car lull, or redecorating my home.  My mom says I’m nesting, lol.  I have done crazy things like organize my closet by color, organize blankets and such in bins that fit nicely in my hall nook.  I have also replaced nearly every curtain in our home with pretty ones from Target.  My oh my how I love Target…  I replaced all the rugs, made artwork for my kitchen, finally got to hang my pretty frames with lovely country scenes in them.  I have been fighting the urge to paint, especially the bathroom which is definitely not ready for paint yet, we haven’t even started demo! 

 

My blood sugars have been on the high end of normal.  I still need to go pick up needles for my new meter, I’m hoping I get a chance to do that tomorrow.  I have another appointment with the Endocrinologist on the 4th, which I’m sure we’ll discuss raising the insulin yet again.  Whatever, whatever it takes to get this body of mine to do what it’s supposed to…  I’ve been really upset with diabetes, with my body.  It’s not that I don’t like the way I look- I feel great, and I know I look TONS better than I did.  No, I get mad because just like everyone else, I occasionally get a craving for something I shouldn’t.  Like the ice cream I had with my friend Abby this weekend.  (Hi Abby!) Normal people think, crap, there goes my diet!  Or Hmm, guess I’ll just work out harder to burn that off.  No- I have to live with the thought that I just pushed myself back another month, or that my sugar levels won’t be normal for the next 3 days.  I’m learning just how much I CAN’T cheat.  Oh, to be a normal non-diabetic chubby woman that could slip up occasionally!

 

I haven’t been able to hit the gym very hard, just occasionally with Brannon in the evenings.  I have neither gained nor lost since the last time I updated.  I’m right around 245, which is still fantastic considering where I’ve come from, but I am FAR from satisfied or complacent with that number.  I had a VERY emotional workout this morning… Makes me so happy that I work out in the Cardio Cinema where it’s nice and dark.  I cried it out.  Every little thing I’ve been holding in, I just LET IT OUT.  I cried about not being able to get pregnant, not having a fully healthy functioning body, feeling like a failure for my Brannon, all my feelings of self doubt, self loathing… I just let it all out.  I was on the elliptical for 35 mins (my workout was delayed due to hail!  I couldn’t get out of my car until it stopped!)  Most cathartic workout I have ever had.  I have a feeling I’ll be seeing 235 by the end of June. 

 

My follow up appointment with The Babymaker is in two weeks!  I hope & pray I’ll have made enough progress to make him comfortable with a September/October treatment start date.

 

Anyways, A fellow blogger posted an awesome idea: a Summer 2012 Bucket List! 

 

Things I want to do with my husband this summer:

·        Take the VW camping

·        Visit the ocean for a weekend

·        Drink champagne on our 10 year anniversary

·        Take at least one true date night a month

·        Pray together for a baby

·        Have family pictures taken

·        Float the Illinois River together, just the two of us

·        Have lots of gym dates

 

 

Things I want to do with friends this summer:

 

·        Have more girls nights

·        Go see a chick flick

·        Go kayaking/paddle boating on the Oklahoma River

·        Make these cute little button bracelets I saw on pinterest

·        Watch each of their beautiful children turn a year older

 

Things to do by myself this summer:

·        Get a massage

·        See a movie

·        Continue to work out and lose weight

·        Start, and finish, a crocheted baby blanket for my future baby

·        Sew a dress for myself

·        Sew my coat for fall/winter

·        Fully enroll at OKCCC for the fall to get my associates in Business/Accounting

 

Things to do with my Mom this summer:

·        Get a matching mother/daughter tattoo!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Future Mother's Day

So, a lot has happened since I last blogged… I forgot my pink shirt picture two weeks in a row, and I haven’t weighed in two weeks.  No, I’m not back sliding… I’m still working very hard towards our goal without ceasing, it’s just been very busy!  Work is busy, and when I get home- I crash… Even though most nights we go to the gym again together!  I’m just plain tuckered out!  The other night I fell asleep at 730pm & didn’t wake until 6:30am!  It was glorious, and much needed! 

 

Mothers day has come & gone.  I survived yet another mother’s day where my thought is, “Hopefully next year, I will be a mommy!”  When the truth is, I’m already a mother.  I was BORN to be a mother…  It’s what I’ve always wanted!  Some women don’t consider themselves moms until they are pregnant or have a child… Well, I’ve dreamed my children from conception to adulthood seriously for the last six years.  It’s very real to me, this primal need to reproduce, to care for our baby, to forsake myself, my sleep, and all my Brannon focused attention to our child.  I have spent many nights awake anyways, wondering if we’ll ever conceive… See, my kids are so cray-cray that they keep me up a night and they aren’t even conceived yet!  Stubborn little ovums! 

 

Brannon worked very hard to make this mother’s day special and a pleasant experience for me.  I chose not to attend church, not because I’m angry with God, but because I know my focus would not be on God, or the service.  I’d stare at everyone with a rose, or chocolate, or whatever they decided to give to mothers & I would be filled with despair, loathing, anxiety, or good old fashioned ANGER.  Not at God, not at the mothers, but at myself…  Because I don’t feel like it’s anyone else’s fault that I can’t have children, except for my own.  I got a lot of Happy Future Mother’s Day text messages, which made me smile… But it also made me feel like I was getting a condolence mother’s day greeting so I didn’t feel the urge to snap and kill myself or harm others, haha.  Brannon woke me up that morning with sweet snuggles, and told me Happy Mother’s day.  Even the pup was in on it, give me kisses and jumping on me.  He made me breakfast- chocolate chai coffee, bacon, & eggs.  We sat around most of the day, and went to our friends house for a cookout for supper.  It was low-key, and wine was served.  My friends daughter calls me momma, so that also helped brighten my day! 

 

We go back to see Dr. Reshef in just under a month, and I really can’t wait to show him how far we’ve come.  I know we probably won’t be ready for drugs or other treatments until September/October, but I still want to see him again and get another estimate on our timeline… 

 

Hope everyone’s weekend was as lovely as mine… and that the rest of your week goes quickly so you can enjoy two glorious days of freedom!s

Weigh Day: May 4th, 2012

This week I have lost 5.4lbs!!  This brings my total to 16lbs since April 4^th- confirmed by my endocrinologist this very morning! 

It was a great second appointment!  Both my doctor & my nurse were super happy with my progress so far!  Neither of them were anticipating the changes I brought to the table! 

 

Since April 4^th, I have lost 16lbs.  My BMI dropped from 35% to 33%.  My HA1C was 9.2 (I just checked back on my blog, I told FB wrong- said it was 9.6, but it was actually a 9.2 in January- the 9.6 was the HA1C before…) AS OF TODAY: my HA1C is an 8.2!  Much better than before, and it’s only going to get better!   

 

I have to wait for AF now, and go to the lab between days 3-5 at 8am.  He’s testing the following: 

 

CMP (Comprehensive Metabolic Prof)

DHEA Sulfate

Prolactin

TSH

T4

17 Hydroxyprogesterone

Testosterone- free, bio and total

 

He made me feel really good by telling me that he gets frustrated and disappointed after appointments because people will say they are trying, changing, doing everything they can; but the numbers don’t show it… and numbers don’t lie.  He said I made his day! 

 

There is a small language barrier because English is his second language, haha… He speaks it really well, but sometimes his phrasing is off.  He told me that he believes we will be able to conceive on our own in the next 2-3 months with how I am making myself healthier.  He said that he thinks with the medicine we may not need the RE (he wasn’t trying to talk me out of it, he was just explaining how powerful self care can be with this syndrome).  I laughed and said, “What, you think sex creates babies?  Noo… Doctors create babies!”  He laughed really hard and said, “No, no… The sex can make the babies, I promise!”  I said, “Well, whatever you say, you’re the doctor!”  For the record, I’m pretty sure that it doesn’t & my mother lied to me when she told me where babies come from. 

 

I hope you all have a great weekend!! 

What a difference Wednesday

So I think I’m going to continue on with my pink shirt pictures, just for the simple fact that it’s hard to keep the same intensity over time if you can’t see the results.  Seeing the subtle differences in each picture give me so much drive & determination, that I want to drop everything and hit the gym!  Of course, this isn’t the biggest loser & I’m not on a ranch dedicated to just my health & lifestyle- Nope! I’m sure my boss cares about my health, but things gotta get done around here no matter what! 

 

So, without further adieu, here is the pink shirt picture of the week: 

 

 

 

It’s TRUTH TIME girls…  I want to be nothing but honest & transparent here...  I mentioned this on FB, but if you’re not on my FB I’ll rehash it here.  I used to be a fast food junkie!  Seriously… I’d try to give it up, and I’d be strong for a couple days… but inevitably I would end up dazed in a fast food parking lot with grease on my face, dilated pupils, with an extremely full belly, wondering how I got there.  I was hungry ALL the time- food was all I could think about.  I would honestly ask my tummy… hmm… What do you want today?  Wendy’s, Arby’s, Taco Bueno??  I wouldn’t think about just how bad all of that was for me.  I would stuff myself with a whole fast food meal, sometimes add a dessert… and still feel hungry an hour later.  Of course I realize now it was a vicious cycle stemming from bad food choices & diabetes.  Diabetes starves your cells of glucose- when I would eat that bad food, it would momentarily cause a spike in blood sugar.  Then, like all things that go up… My glucose levels would CRASH- causing me to be tired, hungry, weak- what would I do?  I’d fill my tank up with the bad stuff again, because that’s all I wanted.  I realize now that I’m feeling my body GOOD food.  Complex carbohydrates that process through my body SLOWLY enough to allow absorption into my cells.  Along with taking my Metformin, I can feel my body returning to normal.  It feels so good, I just can’t explain it.  The thing is…  now not only do I not crave fast food- I detest the very thought of it!  A coworker of mine mentioned to me he was leaving for lunch, and since he questions my food (to keep me in line, lol) I questioned his- and he said a cheeseburger.  I acted sad, and told him to spill some grease on the floor for me… LOL… But I didn’t feel any jealousy, and the only reaction I received from my stomach was EW!  That would not feel good in my tummy at all!  It’s amazing to get to this point from where I was not too long ago.  I just never thought it was possible to feel this way about food. 

 

What comes with that is this INCREDIBLE guilt about some of the things I eat.  It’s ridiculous really…  But, more about that later! 

 

“Here's what I tell anybody and this is what I believe. The greatest gift we have is the gift of life. We understand that. That comes from our Creator. We're given a body. Now you may not like it, but you can maximize that body the best it can be maximized.”  -Mike Ditka

Weigh Day, Friday, April 27, 2012

Weigh Loss for the week: 1lb

Weight Loss total for this leg of my journey: 11lbs (I miscalculated last blog- my starting weight this leg of the journey was 262 and I weighed in this morning at 251)

Weight loss from my heaviest: 41lbs

You know, I'm okay with a one pound a week loss.  It's really not as satisfying as seeing big numbers, but I know that physically and mentally I am doing everything I can- and that my body is changing no matter what the scale says.  I am working out- both cardio and weight training to not only lose weight, but to also tone my body, to make myself stronger.  I am eating correctly for my condtion- (PCOS&Diabetes).  I am eating within my calorie range, and drinking only healthy options- water, unsweetend tea, coffee without cream or sugar.  I am taking vitamins and getting more sleep.  (Well, working on it at least, haha) 

Best of all my friends... After having blood sugar readings in the 200's for MONTHS... Even after I started my metformin & insulin...  I woke up this morning and I had a fasting blood sugar reading... of... 148!  I was THRILLED!  I did NOT expect to see that kind of change- honestly, the LOWEST I was expecting was 178, haha.  I had to rub my eyes and take a picture of it, because I truly did not believe what I was seeing.  SO- I can live with one pound a week.  I am seeing the difference in my body, and I am seeing the difference in my blood sugar readings and that is all I have ever wanted.  I do not care to look like a super model, or to have a body like women on the cover of the front of a fitness magazine...  I just want to be healthy...  And fertile.  That is all! 

Fighting for Fertility

So- I got super emotional at the gym today.  I haven’t let myself be this emotional about conceiving in a very long time!  It’s just easier for me to function if I bury the hurt deep down inside and pretend like it’s not there…  I just want to be a mommy more than anything else in the world…  I want to pour all my love into my child/children; I want to raise my children to be good, productive, healthy adults that can make a difference in this world…  They don’t have to be doctors, or lawyers, or sports stars…  I just want them to leave this world a little more beautiful than it was when they came into it, to learn and live God’s love, and just be great at doing whatever it is that they love.  I am FIGHTING for the chance to do this.  Not trying to conceive… Fighting to conceive!  Battling against the illnesses that plague me, that work against me at every turn.  Since I have been working so hard, my mind wanders while I’m working out to thinking about pregnancy and being a mother.  Today I mostly had thoughts of cloth diapering.  Silly huh?  That’s all I could think about. Here is how those thoughts went:

  “Babies go through at least 10-12 diaper changes a day, so I would estimate 15 a day, and since most people who cloth diaper washes every 2-3 days I would make enough to have 15 a day for 3 days.  I need to find that pattern I got for the AIO diapers, I know they also have adjustable cloth diapers that fit 8-30lbs, should last the whole first year…  I’d have to have a pail for the babysitters and bring it home every day; I wonder how our babysitter will handle the cloth diapering?  I’d make them the All-in-one kind so they’d change like a regular diaper…  I wouldn’t want them gender specific, just normal colors so I can use them with my next child…” Yeah, talk about counting chickens before they’ve even left the ovary!  Why does my mind do this?  Am I the only one who does this?? 

Anyways, I want to share another picture.  Last week, Wednesday, I put on a pink t-shirt to go to the gym.  It was super tight, I didn’t like how it felt on me and I seriously FELT HUGE.  Honestly, I felt as big as I did when I was 40#’s heavier.  I took a couple pictures of myself and decided on something else.  Today, a week later I put the same t-shirt on and noticed that it wasn’t quite as snug as it was, so I decided to take pictures similar to the ones I took the week before.  I may have only lost 2-3 pounds, but I can tell that I’m slimming down in certain areas…  So I wanted to show you how my body is changing, slowly but surely as a result of the hard work I’ve been doing.  I feel extremely self conscience sharing these pictures because they are the reality of what I look like… and I imagine myself so much cuter!  I have the typical PCOS body shape, aka body by insulin resistance… Got to love the tummy, PCOS uses it like a trash can!  Also, when I look at these I see the changes, but my eyes will always find my flaws.  Lastly, the girls look extremely lopsided…  And if you hadn’t noticed you probably have now that I’ve said something…  I need to stop putting my hand on my hip, haha. 

A week ago, my pants were tight.  Today they fit higher because they don’t have to stretch as much around.    I feel like I’ve deflated myself just a bit!

So there it is.  That is one week, from Wednesday to Wednesday.  4-5 weeks of healthy eating, 1.5 weeks of regular exercise.  I may make this a weekly thing too, so I can see the differences, even if my scale decides to be a jerk and not show a change!

Tomorrow is my lower body & abs class…  Pretty excited to tone the flab!!  I still have a long way to go, but I like the direction I’m heading!  I don’t want to be a model; I just want to be FERTILE!

Breakthrough

HELLO ICLW WEEK!!  If you are just now happening upon my blog I will bring you up to date! 

My name is Sara and my husband’s name is Brannon.  I’m 27, he’s 31, and we have been together for 10 years in August.  We married in September of 2006, and we have been trying to conceive since shortly after.  We’ve gone through around 6 rounds of Clomid (I can’t remember anymore), I have PCOS & Type 2 Diabetes thanks to years of insulin resistance.  I am now EXTREMELY insulin resistant and can’t get my blood sugar under 200 (and I’m battling it with exercise, diet, and medicine).  We had our first appointment with our RE in March, about a month ago.  My HA1C is too high, and I have to get it under a 7 in order to go through with treatment- for my sake, but most of all our baby’s sake.  I am also overweight, and at my heaviest I was almost 300lbs.  I lost quite a bit of weight a couple of years ago and I have kept most of it off, but I still have a way to go.  I have a weigh day every Friday, and I have a weight loss ticker to the right--->

It’s been slow going so far, but I think I’ve hit a breakthrough with my workouts and eating habits.  In fact, I snuck a weigh in this morning and I’m at 250#!!  I’m ALMOST out of the 250’s!!  My first goal, the one my doctor said he will be happy with is 220#- and I’m 30# away!  I’m not going to log it on my tracker yet, I’m going to wait for my official Friday.  It’s just I worked out REALLY hard with one of my friend’s this weekend.  She is a fellow cyster experiencing secondary infertility, who has lost nearly 50# since nov/dec.  In fact, when I saw her I started crying because you can tell how hard she’s been working.  She is sooo inspiring!!  She introduced me to the treadmill, and I have to say something I NEVER thought I would say… I love it more than my elliptical.  She had me set it to the highest incline 15, and the speed to 3.0, and afterwards my whole body was tingling.  I burned 1143 calories in an HOUR!!  My whole body is sore, but in a good way!  I didn’t feel as stiff as I usually do when using the elliptical, and I felt like I didn’t want to stop!  I’m also planning on taking advantage of my gym’s free classes.  Tomorrow is upper body, Thursday is lower body & abs!  Each class is 30 minutes in the evenings, and I am so excited to feel the BURN!! 

This is my year, I can feel it.  & if it’s not, it’s not going to be because I haven’t tried hard enough!!!

Weigh Day, Friday, April 20, 2012

Weigh Loss for the week:  -1lb (next week WILL be better!!)

Weight Loss total for this leg of my journey: -6lbs

Weight loss from my heaviest: -40lbs

It’s supposed to hurt.  You’re supposed to sweat.  Your mouth is supposed to be dry, begging for hydration.  Your muscles are supposed to be sore, begging you to stop.  BUT YOU DON’T STOP.  Your brain, heart, and body are supposed to be at war with each other; a trinity of voices arguing “Stop!” “No- keep going!” & “We can do this!”  Until your body finally listens to your heart and your brain.  You’re supposed to want to quit because it’s hard, but you keep going because it WILL BE worth it.  YOU KEEP GOING!  It WILL BE worth all the pain, blood, sweat, and tears. KEEP TRYING. It WILL BE worth it when you finally get to tell your husband he’s going to be a daddy, when you tell your parents they are going to be grandparents, and they cry because they are so happy for you.  HOLD ON TO THAT THOUGHT FOR STRENGTH.  It will be worth it when your baby is waking you up at night, crying for YOU, and those nights of crying for your empty arms are long behind you!  It’s a big hurdle, and you may not feel like you can jump it.  You may not feel like working out, or eating healthy, or taking medicine with awful side effects because it’s uncomfortable; but it’s worth it.  It’s worth it to be able to look back in your life and say, “Wow, I overcame so much.  I fought for what I wanted and I conquered my biggest challenge.”  So keep pushing yourself and never, ever give up, because it’s going to be worth it, I promise.  YOU CAN DO IT!

& that’s what I tell myself while I’m working out.  I repeat this mentally when I feel like I’m failing, when I feel like giving up- sometimes I even whisper it.  I hate feeling comfortable now, because comfortable to me is bad for my goals.    My comfortable is not sweating, not moving, not struggling, not being sore- my comfortable has blood sugars into the 200-300’s.  I’m just not comfortable with my comfortable any more. 

Also, despite everything, today I just feel super fat.  When I look in the mirror I don’t see any change- and I’m trying to overcome that.  I don’t want to rush through this part of the journey, I want to own it.  I need to experience all of this, learn my lessons from it, so that I can move on. 

“Nothing ever comes to one, that is worth having, except as a result of hard work.” Booker T. Washington

Catching up a bit

I have been a little quiet lately!  I just haven’t had much going on.  I’ve been working to adjust to the insulin and patiently waiting for my body to re-acclimate with the Metformin, which as some of you know is not fun at ALL.  I think it’s safe to say that I’m over the worst of it.  We had some UNFUN things happen, Brannon’s truck broke down, we’re having that fixed.  Wah wah…  & We’ve had some pretty great things happen- we’ve planted our vegetables: tomatoes (patio & roma), okra, various peppers, and we added Basil to our herb garden where we have a very lush stock of chives, rosemary, oregano, and thyme.  We’ve decorated our front porch and have been enjoying quiet evenings rocking in our chairs out there. 

In health news- I have started some vitamins.  I’m not taking a couple of the ones I mentioned a while back, the ones I am taking now are:

Gummy Prenatal Vitamins

B12 gummy vitamins

Vitamin D

Chromium Picolinate- it’s helpful for diabetes

Cinnamon (At night to stabilize blood sugars so I’ll have lower fasting readings)

Baby aspirin  (Because I have read that it can increase blood flow to your uterus) (More about why I chose baby aspirin here)

I like that the last three pills are super tiny gel caps and do not taste like anything.  The only one that’s hard for me to take now is the cinnamon- it’s pretty big!

I have been working out, and today I hit a HUGE personal best!  I went above & beyond my previous personal best!  My usual for an hour on the elliptical is approximately 4.25 miles, 650 calories, and I usually go for an hour with a 5 minute cool down, I keep my resistance at a 5.  Today I totally killed it!  5.84 miles, 784 calories, and the usual time & resistance!  It was euphoric!  I have a feeling that tomorrow’s weigh in will NOT be a disappointment.

I see GREAT things in store for me- I will overcome PCOS, I will overcome DIABETES, & I will overcome INFERTILITY!      

Weigh DAY!

Loss for the week: 2lbs.  Slow & Steady wins the race!  I was showing a 4lb loss at the doctors, but AF showed & I feel like a blimp!  I do, however, have a renewed fire under my butt after my appointment with the endo!  Since my last post, I am officially off Kombieglyze & Victoza.  Now that I don’t have Victoza as a hunger suppressant I thought I would be hungry all the time, but that hasn’t been the case thankfully.  I’m back on the Metformin, and even though I’m starting off at a low dose my stomach has still been really upset.  I’m not going to complain about it, it’s a necessary evil.  My body needs this medicine to function and I will force them to co-exist with each other.  I’ll just up my fluid intake… and maybe add pedialyte, haha. 

 

All in all I am happy with this week and it can only get better from here!  I just keep looking at my old photos, my before photos.  Here is a before & during picture.  I can tell the difference all around from where I started- and I know it’s only going to get better.  In my before picture, I was having trouble breathing after walking, I hated myself, hated the way I looked, couldn’t find ANYTHING cute to wear, lived to eat horrible food, I felt trapped in my body.  One day I just decided enough was enough and started a very vigorous cardio schedule, started eating less, eating better and I worked hard to watch those pounds fall off.  I loved it.  I only have 33 more pounds to lose until I’m at MY goal weight and I’m giving myself until my 28^th birthday to lose it.  The endocrinologist did say that I would probably lose the weight more slowly this time around because I’ve already had a big loss, but he did say slower is better. 

 

 

 

I can’t wait to meet with the dietician, but for now I’m doing the best I can with my eating.  I discovered the Kas.hi Stea.mabl.es- they are soo yummy!  They have tons of whole grains, protein, fiber, and they taste freaking delicious!  Best yet, it filled me up !  I’m going to be incorporating those into my life because I know myself, I am not that woman that’s prepared all the time… I need something that’s easy to grab and shove in my purse to carry up to my office.

 

Here’s to a forever change, that is going to bring me closer to my dreams coming true!!!