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“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?"- Author Unknown

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Sometimes you just don't know what to do...

In good news, I have a meeting with my college to fix things so that I can go back to school again & Brannon got a promotion at work, Cosmo is adjusting perfectly to life in his forever home, and Marley has recovered from her infections!  Brannon and I are celebrating 13 years of looourve- our first date was 8/10 & he officially requested me to be his girlfriend on 8/13 :) I'm grateful I have him!

Now on to what I really came here to vent about...  I'm 30 years old and I'm going through some kind of crisis, lol.  I know I'm not a kid anymore, I'm adulting pretty well these days...  but I'm really struggling with feeling abandoned by my family, and I'm not sure what I can even do about it.  I'm not even sure what writing it out will do, but I'm starting to resort to vague facebook statuses because wouldn't ya know it, direct communication didn't work with them, and I hate the way that makes me look and feel on facebook, lol.

Apparently growing up I was a "handful", but looking back, I'm pretty sure I just had young, impatient parents who while trying their best, were basically raising their family in a moving pressure cooker, lol.  I moved out at 17 because I thought it would be better for them if I did.  To this day, they think I moved out to be with my boyfriend, now husband.  I would have much rather finished out being a kid, but I loathe conflict and just wanted peace for everyone.  They moved about 3.5 hours away two years after I graduated high school.  I've lived in Oklahoma family-less, since 2005.  In that time we've made countless trips to see them, and they've made a handful of trips to see us.  Each time we get together good times are had.  My mom and I have always been very, very close despite the distance- she never really let me feel it.

A couple of years ago, that kind of changed.  I'm not sure what happened, but there was a specific shift and now it feels like I'm here and they are there.  Text messages got shorter (on their end) and phone calls go unanswered, visits have gotten much longer in between, yet the I love you's on social media have remained...  I figured it was because we didn't have children, and my brother who lives close to them does.  And suddenly they decided to foster baseball players; not little league players- but grown men with their own families, playing baseball for money.  They board them, feed them, and support them at all of the games (even bailed one out of jail).  My mom mourns one when they leave, they even made plans to visit one in another state/area.  They invite all of their friends, and there is no shortage of selfies documenting all the fun, It's hard not to sound like a selfish little brat, haha, trust me, I don't like the way this sounds or feels, and it's certainly not the feels that make said family want to spend more time with you, but like I said, I don't know what to do anymore.  It feels like they pretend to love me, but invest zero actual loves.

I miss my family, the unit that we used to be, and life is slipping further and further away from that point in time.  The grief I feel about this is very real, so much so that I even mustered the mustard enough to talk to my mom about it pretty directly, but unintended guilt trip begat guilt trip and nothing was resolved.  Plans were made to spend more time, and the grand plan she created to magically fix things never happened, and the weekend we had planned for was spent at the ballpark for them, again.

I have no idea why I'm writing this, lol.  Maybe to explain my vague statuses, maybe in hopes they do read it, maybe just to get it out so I stop posting emo crap, lol.  Either way, it sucks when life doesn't go like you picture it and this is just another one of those times.


Thursday, June 11, 2015

Dog Mom of Two






I am officially a crazy dog mom of two :) 
Also my official sorry, not sorry for all the Cosmo blowing up FB! I'm OBSESSED :) 

Now, I started presenting the idea of another dog around my birthday last year.  I was met with all the reasons why we shouldn't.   A second dog was my request for every holiday and birthday after...  Yes, even his.  I wanted to rescue, he thought he might want a puppy.  I casually sent him rescue profiles and listened to what he thought about each one, taking note of his likes and dislikes.  I would take periodic breaks as not to push it, lol, then I would start sending him more specific rescue profiles! He would counter with puppy listings on CL- eventually the right rescue profile would come acrossed & Sunday 6/7 at an adoption event we met and brought our boy home.

Only took me 7 months folks!  One look at Cosmo and Brannon was ready to go pick him up!  Life has changed so much in the time we have been together!  I have to say, suffering from depression and anxiety completely changed my life.  Even when I started to feel better I was still stuck in the same physical routines that I was in when I was suffering and I really didn't know how to make that different.  

Cosmo is a husky/catahoula leopard dog mix and he requires two walks a day and lots of outside time!  Marley is loving it!  I have already lost two pounds since his arrival!  We have restructured our whole lives to accommodate and meet his needs!  It has made us ALL better!  He is crate training and doing AWESOME!  I am enjoying exposing myself to the outdoors a lot more often. He doesn't go out without us so we have all had a lot of playing and running around going on over here.  Loving and caring for him has really helped me, our walks are an amazing time for me and he won't let me miss it!  

We are SO happy to have him in our family and maybe for the first time ever, it is ALL about him and he is loving it.  


Thursday, March 12, 2015

Currently

I saw this type of blog post on a blog that I follow, and decided to follow this format for my blog today :) I have changed the appearance of my blog, as well as reverted all of my previous blogs to drafts.  It's a fresh start anyways!

Currently I'm:

Listening... to an audio book, called The Remains by Vincent Zandri.  So far, so good.  I'm fresh off another murder mystery called, My Sister's Grave by Robert Dugoni.  I have read/listened to quite a few books this year: The Divergent Series, plus Four (a collection of shorts from his perspective), and the Hobbit.  I've started Lord of the Rings, but have found that I have to be in the mood in order to follow the story.  I love listening to them while I work and drive, they are my new addiction!

Eating...  A dark chocolate &; peanut butter kind bar with my coffee.

Drinking... Coffee, can't start my day without a cup!

Wearing...  Silver Jeans & a black sweat shirt from old navy.

Feeling...  Refreshed.  Had a little trip out of town recently to say goodbye to my Uncle Dennis, and the time with family, back in my favorite little town, playing with my niece, all while missing Brannon, Marley, and home desperately was really good for me.  It really put a lot of things in to perspective.

Weather...  LOVING IT!  I have been so cold this winter, much more cold than ever before.  I've always been hot natured until this winter!  Today was in the 70's and I basked in it every chance I got!

Wanting... My mini-bluetooth ear bud to come in the mail.  I should have it Friday!

Needing... A night at the movies!  It's been so long since I've gone, and there are quite a few movies I want to see!!

Thinking... About breaking out my sewing machine pretty soon.  I have a few embroidery patterns I've accumulated &; quite a few pretty kitchen towels stashed!

Enjoying... the beginnings of Spring.