“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?"- Author Unknown

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Moving Forward

I cannot express just how happy I am that I've finished the two classes I was taking this semester! Not to be a complete whiner, but it was harder this time around than when I was going full time, or maybe back then I was better about compartmentalizing life and didn't let it get in the way as much?  Either way, this semester was brutal and I thought about quitting right up until the point where I absolutely couldn't!  


I'm grateful I'm taking a break from school because things really are going to start moving in the fertility department and I really want to focus on that above all else.  My most recent A1C is 7.8; since my appointment I have been taking my medicine consistently, and I finally found a true $10/month gym in a well lit area, truly open 24/7 and it's nice and new.  I'm jumping into my new routine tonight after I go up there and get things set up!  Since I've proven to myself that I can lose weight by controlling what I eat, I'm looking forward to seeing how far I can go in the gym.  I was looking through my pictures on my phone the other day and saw a million scale pictures with much heavier numbers than what I currently weigh and really drove home what it means when people say to love yourself at any size.  


I remember looking at the scale and imagining the weight I am now, thinking once I made it to my goal weight I’d magically be able to love myself.  What has really helped me make progress was realizing that every time I attempted to lose weight under the assumption that I’d be happier at a smaller weight, I’d inevitably make myself unhappy (negative self talk, quitting junk cold turkey, miserably strenuous exercise) and inevitably I’d “fail” aka give up.  In September I started looking at my journey differently when I realized that I was numbing the pain of our infertility by seeking comfort in food and that with my condition this was a very dangerous behavior.  I read something somewhere that said you have to be uncomfortable in order to change, but most people subconsciously/consciously avoid change by seeking out comfort to numb and pacify their fears.  Always one for self-improvement I have since really analyzed my failure to launch on fertility treatments and I think a big thing that stops me is that I have been scared shitless to fail.  Fear has not only paralyzed me from progress, but it kept me on a path of self destruction, seeking comfort in the very thing that is sure to seal my fate as childless mother.  Diabetes has been a huge roadblock on our path to parenthood, but I, without truly meaning to, made it be bigger than it should be and I can say now with 100 percent certainty that I’m not ever going to let that happen again.  I have made losing weight a side effect of loving myself with the right foods, finding fun ways to work in exercise, and working on positive thinking.  Stumble as I may I’m on fire now, and finally have REAL hope that it could happen for us.  I’m satisfied that I confronted this fear of mine, and have been taking steps to move forward.


This is the plan for now:  I have a women well check up on 1/6 and a follow up PCP appointment on 1/13 to have my A1c rechecked because I know it will be amazing and our RE will want the most current results, as well as a referral to get things started with our RE, Dr. Reshef.  As of right now I haven’t had a period since 10/5, but recently started having some AF type symptoms.  I’ve been trying not to get too ahead of myself, dreaming about what our next step will be because I don’t want to stir up too much anxiety over it.  For now I’m focusing on Christmas and directly upon arrival home from our Christmas travels I’m going to begin an exciting journey of completely organizing every room of my house while redecorating (freely or cheaply) as well!  Just a little something to keep me busy while we wait!    


I’m so excited!!  Thanks for reading!!




Tuesday, November 25, 2014

The Happenings

Well, where do I start?

Rest in Peace, Denise

A few days after my 30th birthday, I found out that my friend Denise had taken her own life.  It was such a shock because this woman was vibrant, hilarious, motivating, and no one knew how badly she was hurting.  What shocked me the most, was knowing that we had been suffering at the same time, with the same thoughts, but she chose to end her life.  Her death was a HUGE wake-up call for me to start seriously fighting my depression.  I'm happy to say I found help I have needed and I'm on the road to recovery!  Depression is no joke, and it breaks my heart that Denise is gone because of hers, her friendship meant a lot to me and it's because of her that the fight in me has been renewed.

Each day gets a little bit better, each visit with friends gets a little bit easier, I have started feeling creative again, planning for the future, redecorating our house, I made a doctors appointment and was able to make it there without having to cancel (either from coworkers being absent or from anxiety).

So here is when the blog starts picking up!  My doctors appoinment went really well!! Officially marked it down in my medical records that I have reduced my weight by 20# since my last visit bringing my total weight loss from my heaviest to 67#.  He ran my A1C & other labs and I'm happy to report improvement in my A1C from a 9.8 to a 7.8.  I was most nervous about this number because I have had such a hard time taking my metformin, but now that I'm etching myself out of my depression and learning a lot about the true meaning of self care I'm happily taking his recommended dose of 1000mg of Metformin and one glyburide a day.  That's it!  At my worst I was prescribed 2 different types of insulin & 2500 the absolute max of metformin you can take a day!

If I recall correctly, Dr. Reshef's requirements to pursue treatment was for me to have an a1c as close to 7 as possible.  Since we are right in the thick of things between Thanksgiving & Christmas I'm not entertaining the idea of any sort of appointment or treatment by him for the remainder of this year, but I have an email in to my doctor about my referral to see Reshef.  I can, at the very least get that ball rolling, secure my referral, and plan my appointment for January if not secure my appointment right now.  I'll continue my way of eating, continue taking my metformin as directed, and my a1c should be even more improved by the time we get in to see Dr. Reshef.


Wednesday, November 5, 2014

My 30th Birthday

 Well, I'm officially 30!  It was not nearly as scary as I've imagined it to be all these years, which I'm grateful for!  In fact, it was pretty spectacular...  I was the very happy recipient of a surprise party that my husband and mom conspired to put together!

Of course it wasn't without it's dramatics, I had a very typical Sara freak out session about my birthday in the days leading up to my party because I had a lot on my plate with school and at work, my birthday and planning it (yes, I thought I had to plan it myself) was the last thing I wanted to worry about.  Both my mom and my husband assured me that everything was going to be taken care of and not to worry about it, so I drank some wine and let it go.  I had so much else to worry about that I didn't think about it much.

Saturday 11/1, Brannon woke me up very sweetly and made me coffee.  He let me structure the morning and afternoon, saying we'd probably hang out with some friends later in the evening.  Our first stop was the grocery store because I was super excited to take a pregnancy test, it was negative, but I was so excited when I took it that I was shaking!  I have HOPE again!  I was okay to see the negative, I know we are getting closer and closer to making everything a reality.

We grabbed lunch at Panera Bread, then Brannon took me shopping for smaller clothes because I'd walked out of every pair of pants I owned the week before, he decided that would be his gift to me this year!  He was amazing helping me pick out clothes after I had long given up.  I have such little patience when it comes to shopping, but he is a pro!  I ended up getting 2 pairs of size 16 pants, 3 shirts, and a really neat knitted cowl.  After that we headed home to get ready to meet our friends Casey & Lindsay for bowling.

Imagine my surprise when we walked in to the bowling alley and almost everyone I love was inside... even my parents and my little brother, all the way from Missouri!  They thought I hated it for a second, but I was just trying not to cry!  I was absolutely HUMBLED to bits!  I still can't believe it happened, it was just such a nice surprise!!

Here are the pictures from the surprise party & the dinner the night of my birthday.  I didn't get a chance to get a picture of everyone who was there,

My Cake!

My Dad!

Two of my best friends, April & Lindsay

My ADORABLE parents!

Lindsay & Casey
 Not Pictured were Kandace & Family (Thank you SO MUCH for coming!), Donna & Wayland, and most of the kids :) 

Marley girl LOL

The morning after :)

Brannon, Jocelyn & I at my birthday dinner at Earl's

Jesse & April :)

Lindsay, Casey, & Jordan
I had a great birthday!

Sunday, October 5, 2014


Wow, I haven't posted in a while!  I didn't have much to share, and what I did have to share just didn't feel good enough to share because I was experiencing a pretty deep depression.  

I sought counseling but wouldn't ya know my "awesome" insurance referred me to a guidance counselor type instead of the psychiatrist/psychologist I need.  Although she said a few things that helped, I ended our relationship during the second session.   I will be returning to counseling but with someone more equipped to handle my unresolved issues from childhood.  Right now though, I'm in a place where I don't have time in my routine for counseling just yet.  We are currently in the midst of a move at work that we/the building were slightly unprepared for so things are hectic for me until I get settled.  I will add that this move has made a huge difference in my life bc now I have an office with a window!

I still have days where I struggle, but some of the tips the counselor gave me have been worth a try before I delve further into thinking something is terribly wrong with me.  Practicing Gratitude was first, which has been super helpul.  The other was to focus more on progress over perfection.  I have major perfection issues that keep me back from the things that I want.  One of my big down falls was my diet, in ways I didn't even know. 

At my heaviest I was 292.  This morning I'm at 230.  I lost the first half of my weight hauling A at the gym and barely eating,  then I had a year or two of backslide/lose a little/maintain.  This last half of the journey has been fought in the kitchen! 

At first I phased out all our non paleo foods, and once they were gone, started replacing everything with raw veggies, fruits, Gluten Free wraps if something like that is required for a meal.  I haven't been strict with the use of organic fruits/veggies bc we operate on a budget but I decided to give the progress way of thinking a try and I'm really glad I did. 

I'm uploading a pic to show my progress on the outside so far.  These pictures show me proof that dairy was not good for me, eating out was not good for me.  We made this change about a month ago after returning from vacation!  I think I have lost at least 10# since we made this switch.  I couldn't tell you when my last AF was but I can tell you now!  (Today, lol).  

I have a PCP appointment to calculate weight lost & get a referral to see Dr Reshef!  It's REALLY GONNA HAPPEN!  EEEEK!  I have really just been trying to be as positive as possible about having a baby, it's helped to make Brannon and I much more hopeful going into this.   

Anyways, updates soon!


Monday, May 12, 2014

Mother's Day

Well, Mother’s day came & completely punched me in the gut.  It surprised the ish out of me, because I completely thought I was over a lot of these feelings.  I deactivated facebook after my first tinge of self-loathing.  (I just wish people hadn’t noticed that I deactivated it… really wasn’t trying to get any attention just needed away from it for a bit!).  I was able to find many bits of happiness through my weekend.  That’s not to say that I didn’t have any issues either… I did show up with ugly cry face to celebrate MD with my husband’s family, and I have the type of cry face that can’t go unnoticed, so yeah that wasn’t awkward.  By wasn’t, I mean it totally was… I had totally dried the tears up by that point, just couldn’t shake the puffy blue eyes accented by the red splotchy cheeks and rudolph red nose, so I happily ate some emotions in the form of strawberry pie and brushed every well meaning “Happy Mother’s day, even though you’re not a mom” that was said under the rug.  In past Mother’s day’s that brought me comfort, but this year I just didn’t want to hear it, because I’m not a mom, however much I’d like to be, and this day was not about me.  I felt guilty that I couldn’t hide my pain enough to make other people just focus on themselves and their happy day.  My ability (or lack thereof) to reproduce shouldn’t be on someone’s mind while they are celebrating being a mom… It’s one day a year for crying out loud! 

I don’t like feeling sorry for myself, and I did a lot of analyzing of my feelings instead of just wallowing in them and primarily I was feeling depressed and guilty for feeling sorry for myself.  I felt bad that I was focused on myself (in a negative way), and really didn’t put forth the effort into making it a special day for my own mom, or B’s mom.  Instead I had my brother buy a gift for my mom, and texted her instead of calling, and I showed up bawling to his family’s thing…  If it were up to me, I wouldn’t have left the house, but it wasn’t because I just wanted to stay home and cry, it was the fact that I knew I was going to have to fake my way through lunch, and I didn’t even feel the energy to do that.  So I’ve formulated a plan for next year- the week before we’ll get gifts and cards and fill them out and mail the one that’s far away and store the one for the mom nearest us.  I think helping myself be more prepared for the day will take some of my guilt away and make it more manageable.  I’m also on cd 28 and super emotional, I have taken 2 hpts and both were starkly negative (don’t worry, I actually didn’t take it bad at all) so I believe I’m just gearing up for AF which isn’t something to be sad about, it’s actually pretty exciting if I start soon… 

So anyways, that’s that, the ugly feelings that rear their ugly head at the weirdest, most unexpected times.  My weekend was still beautiful- got some good time in with my best friends (minus a few that were unavailable), made some amazing memories with my husband (who just discovered what the phrase, “you’re my person” means and declared to me that I was his person) Melted. My. Heart.  Bc he is so my person, haha J

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

New Medicine & the Future

I had a PCP appt on 3/31- had blood work done and everything looked AMAZING except for my stinking blood sugar!  I’ll admit that I wasn’t taking the medicine as consistently as I should have been, but to my defense it’s super hard to take and it wasn’t even that effective anymore.  SO- my doctor prescribed me Glyburide to take in addition to Metformin.  Now I’m taking 1 Glyburide tablet and 1 Metformin tablet twice a day and my blood sugars have been consistently getting better!  I’ve seen readings of 94!  Fasting levels of 135!  It’s much easier to take my medicine, and it’s obviously much more effective.  I have been eating so well that it even surprises me!  I LOVE APPLES!  I’ve always avoided them because as a kid I didn’t like the texture, or the soft spots, or when they got all gritty feeling… I had issues, anyways, now that I’m just about 30 I cannot get enough of them! Haha, they are nature’s candy in my eyes!  I even had one for breakfast, and my favorite thing to do is put a little pb on it, but plain is amazing too!  I could go on, but really, I’ll stop. 


My A1C is going to be re-evaluated at the end of May to have it all checked again and get my referral to see Reshef.  Life is going to get a lot more interesting for us soon!  Not only are we pursuing treatment, but we’re getting our house ready to put on the market!  An opportunity arose and it would be very foolish of us to turn it down.  My mother in law’s house caught on fire and is considered a total loss.  Luckily for her she was smart and even though the house has been paid off for decades she continued to insure it and had a great replacement cost on it.  This house is being renovated and though it’s going to stay the same size (pretty dang small, and only two bedrooms, 1 bath) it’s going to be completely brand new inside and out.  New appliances, new cabinets, floors, walls, carpet, bathroom, everything is being brought up to code… and my MIL is begging us to sell our house and live there to save money (she has another property that she lives at so we would NOT be living with her)!  There are so many pros for doing this, yet surprisingly a lot of cons too, but we’re making it happen because we know that it’s going to be a temporary inconvenience for so much gain in the long run.  We haven’t worked out the details too much but I know we’d maintain the property, pay the utilities like we would in our home, and I’m certain we would put monthly deposits in a savings account for her to pay the insurance/property taxes.  Even with those expenses we’ll be debt free shortly after the sale of our home and on to saving to build our dream home.  For now, we’re simplifying things in our home, fixing the things that need to be fixed, and getting it ready to sell.  Once the renovations on the new house are complete (should be November) we’re contemplating moving into it so that we are able to stage our home for easier sale.  Lots of things to figure out, but SO SO SO excited for what this means for our future!

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Leg Day: Survived

Training with Lindsay has been a really great experience for me.  I’m not a very social person, in fact, I’ve had a gym membership for years and I couldn’t tell you a name of anyone who works at my gym.  I don’t know anyone else who goes to my gym, and chances are if I did, I’d probably have pretend not to see them anyways.  People don’t look at me, or if they do I don’t see them because I don’t look at anyone else.  I’m usually focused on what I’m doing, or my music.  My old gym had a cardio cinema; a dark room, with a big screen tv projector that played movies… Even then I’d still listen to my music and just watch whatever was on there.  I liked working out in the dark and no opportunities for anyone to talk to me, haha. 


Lindsay, on the other hand, is very social!  She came to my gym for our first few sessions, and was pretty aggressive with machines and asked people when they’d be through and whatnot.  I would never have done that, lol!  I would silently stalk around the area until the machine was free or I gave up!  Then Monday we had our first session at her gym and I got to see just how social you can get at the gym!  I have definitely gotten more social since spending more time with her, which I can tell has been very good for me.  Yesterday, I survived my first leg day.  To tell you how hard core she is, I’m going to attempt to describe the things she’s having me do. 


Leg Day #1 aka the day I fell on my butt going down stairs.


5 min warm up on the adaptive motion trainer 10 incline/10 resistance

12 squats with the machine that the squat bar is kind of rubber banded to the machine so you can’t really drop it. 

Alternated with 15 on each leg squat/step up/kick things while she had her turn with the machine.

We did 4 sets each of those two workouts simultaneously. 

Then 12 lunges on each leg, 4 sets. (That’s 96 lunges people!!)

Then this one move where I laid on the ground and pushed the squat bar up with a leg, 15 on each leg. 

This is where I first started feeling a bit nauseas, but determined not to complain, I said, um my nausea level is at a 2-3. 

I was allowed a small water break to collect myself, then finish some more lunges. 

Then I walked with her as she did her weighted lunges down the center of the gym.

We did this squat machine using only 1 leg at a time, 15 reps, 4 sets.

Alternated with this machine that you laid down on, and pulled weights towards your butt. 12 reps, 4 sets.

I followed her to this small free weight area, where we did a bit of circuit style training

used a small 5lb kettle ball to do 15 plie’ squats, then 15 squats with straight bar in front, then 10 floor laying, one legged, pelvic thrusts and holds. 

We did 4 reps of each of those. 


By the end of this work out, I felt like I was going to throw up and I felt a bit dizzy when I stood up after my last rep.  We went upstairs to grab her back, and while upstairs already hurt, I wasn’t prepared for the evil that is going downstairs after leg day.  About half way down, my left leg gave out and I slipped down a couple steps on my booty.  I know, I was just as shocked that it happened, myself! 

When I got home I had a quick protein shake, and later that night I was visited by Aunt Flow.  I knew she was on her way, but man, I’m in a LOT of pain at the moment! 

Anyways, my workout was brutal, but I loved it.  I love the feeling of pushing myself harder than I ever would.  I would NEVER do these things on my own!  I have zero desire to exert myself that much, haha!  That’s why I’m so grateful to have her pushing me towards my goal, she doesn’t back down when it gets tough and that’s a lesson I’m about to learn!! 

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The 90 Day Challenge... Begins.

I’ve been pretty quiet on my blog, but all that’s about to change!  I’m SO close to my goal weight, that now would be a good time to push myself even harder.  So I decided to do another 90 day Body by VI Challenge.  The end goal is to make a date with Dr. Reshef in 90 days!  I’ve been working out for a few weeks but my challenge officially started yesterday.  It’s been a tad too cold to enjoy a smoothie so I found an amazing body by VI cupcake recipe and decided to tweak it!


Body by VI Blueberry Cupcake

1 Cup Shape Mix

½ Cup Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk

½ teaspoon baking powder

½ Cup of dried blueberries (my addition, which turned out to be an excellent idea!)


Bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes

This recipe makes 6 cupcakes, one for breakfast, and one for lunch for 3 days.  I baked them on Sunday, let them cool completely, and then placed them in a Ziploc baggy in the refrigerator.  To prepare, I microwave one for 10-15 seconds and usually drink it with black coffee. 


I’m making different variations of this; my next batch I’m going to add orange extract and dried cranberries!


What I’m doing during this challenge is:


·       Taking a daily vitamin

·       Taking Vitamin D

·       Taking Pregnitude 2x daily

·       Taking 2000mg Metformin daily

·       Utilizing the Body by VI product & eating lean.

·       Every other week I work out/train with my friend Lindsay

·       The weeks I’m not working out with Lindsay, I’m still working out!

·       I have a feeling AF is about to show; I’ve had sore bbs for at least a week and some would say that I’ve been slightly more emotional, LOL.  When she does, I’m going to start temping again. 


For the next 90 days I’m focusing on MYSELF.  I’ve decided to move more, take the stairs, and dance when I’m filing at work since no one can see me anyways, lol.  Instead of unneeded snacking, I’ve switched to sugar free gum!  I know that in 90 days I’m going to be really glad I started this now.  I know my blood sugar readings are only going to get better!  I know I’m going to shed pounds, pants sizes, even better… I could get pregnant J




Friday, January 3, 2014

Happy New Year!

So, we changed up our plan a little bit this year- we went to a club!  Those who know us, know that the club is NOT our scene!  Buuuut we’ve done a lot of changing over the last year and the club was exactly what I needed!   I had so much fun, and I was so happy, haha!   I’ve had a very rough couple of months, a lot of crazy stuff is going on…  To which I’ve realized the extent of how bad of a habit I have of putting my friends and family’s problems on like a coat and wearing them around like it’s my burden to bear.  It really felt like no matter which way I ran, I ran into trouble, pressure, someone’s upset, something big and uncontrollable would happen to someone I love.  It became all too much!  So, I decided that on NYE I was going to just cut loose and let myself have fun!  I have some pretty wicked social anxiety that my friends force me to confront and really I think that’s really been the BEST thing for my soul.  I’ve figured out that everything is going to be okay.  Happiness is a choice, circumstances are not.  I used to think happiness was being in control of every detail of your life, and I strived for perfection every single time.  I have realized that striving for perfection and complete control is a fool’s mission; while striving for those things is good, depending on them to gauge happiness is WRONG!


I struggled a bit on NYE (for a brief moment), because a lot of my mommy friends were very vocal about how much better it is to stay home with their babies, and how stupid it is to go out.  It made me feel a bit guilty about our going out on the town plans, like it wasn’t the right thing to do.  Brannon and I talked about it on the way to our friends house and he put it into perspective for me.  He reminded me that that is our end goal, and that if we had the children we have been trying for, we’d be at home with them too.  And if it were up to us, that’s how it would be… but we don’t have children, and we are still young, and we have some pretty amazing friends, why not take advantage of that?  Why not live the life we have?  He’s so smart J It made so much sense to me and all the guilt melted away.  I am still floating on the clouds of that night!  I don’t think I have ever felt so whole, so happy with myself and who I am.  I’m in a very good place, and I’m so grateful for the people I have been blessed with!!


Well, my next post will more than likely be a picture post!  I have some fun ones to share, most of which are already on fb, but some that aren’t . 


Oh!  Last night I had a gym date with my friend Lindsey!  I just love this girl to pieces; she’s super talented in the gym, and really obsessed with fitness!  I think we are talking about having her training me every other week, and we started last night.  She worked me out pretty hard, we were talking so much I lost count on my reps, haha!  She taught me how to use many machines that I had never tried before, and she introduced me to the free weight area, an area that has been a huge intimidation zone for me because of all the meatheads that like to hang out in that area, lol.  I’m much more confident than I have been in the past, so while it was scary, it was also empowering!  I am so pumped about this, and so so so so so grateful that she’s helping me!! 


Cheers to the New Year & Making your dreams come true!! 




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