I cannot express just how happy I am that I've finished the two classes I was taking this semester! Not to be a complete whiner, but it was harder this time around than when I was going full time, or maybe back then I was better about compartmentalizing life and didn't let it get in the way as much? Either way, this semester was brutal and I thought about quitting right up until the point where I absolutely couldn't!
I'm grateful I'm taking a break from school because things really are going to start moving in the fertility department and I really want to focus on that above all else. My most recent A1C is 7.8; since my appointment I have been taking my medicine consistently, and I finally found a true $10/month gym in a well lit area, truly open 24/7 and it's nice and new. I'm jumping into my new routine tonight after I go up there and get things set up! Since I've proven to myself that I can lose weight by controlling what I eat, I'm looking forward to seeing how far I can go in the gym. I was looking through my pictures on my phone the other day and saw a million scale pictures with much heavier numbers than what I currently weigh and really drove home what it means when people say to love yourself at any size.
I remember looking at the scale and imagining the weight I am now, thinking once I made it to my goal weight I’d magically be able to love myself. What has really helped me make progress was realizing that every time I attempted to lose weight under the assumption that I’d be happier at a smaller weight, I’d inevitably make myself unhappy (negative self talk, quitting junk cold turkey, miserably strenuous exercise) and inevitably I’d “fail” aka give up. In September I started looking at my journey differently when I realized that I was numbing the pain of our infertility by seeking comfort in food and that with my condition this was a very dangerous behavior. I read something somewhere that said you have to be uncomfortable in order to change, but most people subconsciously/consciously avoid change by seeking out comfort to numb and pacify their fears. Always one for self-improvement I have since really analyzed my failure to launch on fertility treatments and I think a big thing that stops me is that I have been scared shitless to fail. Fear has not only paralyzed me from progress, but it kept me on a path of self destruction, seeking comfort in the very thing that is sure to seal my fate as childless mother. Diabetes has been a huge roadblock on our path to parenthood, but I, without truly meaning to, made it be bigger than it should be and I can say now with 100 percent certainty that I’m not ever going to let that happen again. I have made losing weight a side effect of loving myself with the right foods, finding fun ways to work in exercise, and working on positive thinking. Stumble as I may I’m on fire now, and finally have REAL hope that it could happen for us. I’m satisfied that I confronted this fear of mine, and have been taking steps to move forward.
This is the plan for now: I have a women well check up on 1/6 and a follow up PCP appointment on 1/13 to have my A1c rechecked because I know it will be amazing and our RE will want the most current results, as well as a referral to get things started with our RE, Dr. Reshef. As of right now I haven’t had a period since 10/5, but recently started having some AF type symptoms. I’ve been trying not to get too ahead of myself, dreaming about what our next step will be because I don’t want to stir up too much anxiety over it. For now I’m focusing on Christmas and directly upon arrival home from our Christmas travels I’m going to begin an exciting journey of completely organizing every room of my house while redecorating (freely or cheaply) as well! Just a little something to keep me busy while we wait!
I’m so excited!! Thanks for reading!!