Unexpected

July 26th- I had been feeling tired, bloated, and a little achy for a couple weeks... I had been regular for a few months, and had expected my period around July 11th, but thought with my job or PCOS I had become irregular... Couldn't be pregnant- but finally a test was purchased and I was completely shocked to see two lines pop up right away.

I was already 6 weeks.

I started prenatals and made appointments, and tried to convince myself this was happening to ME.

For a week, I experienced exhaustion, food tasted much better than usual, and a few other symptoms that let me know I was definitely carrying a tiny passenger.

On 8/1 I had some minor brown spotting, but was reassured that it wasn't bright red and my first OB appointment was 8/2

  Physical exam showed I was most definitely pregnant. He said I "felt" more like 9 or 10 weeks pregnant.

I was scheduled for another appointment next week and sent on my way with a little mommy gift bag.

The very next day I started experiencing bright red bleeding that increased.  Cramping intensified.  I called my nurse who let me know my HCG levels were lower than they would expect for as far along as I was, and that fact on top of my bleeding was an indication I would be miscarrying.  I went home and let everything pass.

The pain was intense, and something I will never forget. I am glad I didn't have to go to an ER even though I probably could have been spared a bit of physical pain, emotionally I felt better being home.  My body is coming down from horomones now, every day my boobs shrink a little more and hurt a little less.  My bloating has nearly disappeared.  

I can't be anything other than grateful I experienced pregnancy even for just a moment.  My reality is forever altered, and now I know I am in a much different body than when I first started this journey. 

I am devastated this pregnancy did not work out, but I am so hopeful for a successful pregnancy in the future.

My doctor said my weight loss had a lot to do with my fertility increasing.  When I started this journey I was 292 pounds, and pre-pregnancy I had recently gotten to 206 pounds.  I'm almost ready to start back at the gym but have still been experiencing random pain.  I know that with purpose, planning, and a little (okay, a lot of) luck- and for the first time I truly believe I will be a momma some day.

Happy Birthday Marley

Our sweet Marley girl is 9 years old today!  It's really hard to believe we've had her this long!  She just had a check up in June after a small health scare- our first real one with her.  Other than a minor infection and being slightly overweight, she is in good health!

Since Cosmo's arrival three months ago she has really adjusted well.  She's definitely getting older and is much lazier these days, but is still happy to see us when we get home and food motivated so she's great haha.

In honor of her birthday I made gluten free peanut butter carrot pupcakes with peanut butter cream cheese icing, garnished with beggin' strips.  I made them in mini bundt rounds and wanted to use my fancy icing applicator but silly me added chunks of the beggin' strips to the frosting before I frosted and they got stuck in the applicator.  Whoops! Not like the pups mind, lol.  I used a cookie dough scooper to lob the icing on top and added more bits for garnish.  The dogs loved them, and I liked making them.

Life has changed a lot recently- last month I was laid off from work.  It was a shock, I had worked there for seven years.  I have taken it all with stride, and have been enjoying my small break from the working world.  I have taken time to take care of myself, serve my husband in a loving, selfless way, pamper my dogs in the ways I have always wanted, I have been able to reconnect with some friends, catch up on SLEEP, cook and bake, prep and freeze bulk foods, and go shopping with my mother in law.  We have gone on a concert-cation in Dallas, and enjoyed everything that has come along with me being at home more.  I have learned a lot about organizing, cleaning, and caring for our home.  I have been outside more in the last few weeks than I have in the last 7 years combined.

We've really just decided to be still and know things are going to be okay.  We have an unwavering faith that we've already been taken care of and have aligned our actions for that!  Thanks for reading!!

Sometimes you just don't know what to do...

In good news, I have a meeting with my college to fix things so that I can go back to school again & Brannon got a promotion at work, Cosmo is adjusting perfectly to life in his forever home, and Marley has recovered from her infections!  Brannon and I are celebrating 13 years of looourve- our first date was 8/10 & he officially requested me to be his girlfriend on 8/13 :) I'm grateful I have him!

Now on to what I really came here to vent about...  I'm 30 years old and I'm going through some kind of crisis, lol.  I know I'm not a kid anymore, I'm adulting pretty well these days...  but I'm really struggling with feeling abandoned by my family, and I'm not sure what I can even do about it.  I'm not even sure what writing it out will do, but I'm starting to resort to vague facebook statuses because wouldn't ya know it, direct communication didn't work with them, and I hate the way that makes me look and feel on facebook, lol.

Apparently growing up I was a "handful", but looking back, I'm pretty sure I just had young, impatient parents who while trying their best, were basically raising their family in a moving pressure cooker, lol.  I moved out at 17 because I thought it would be better for them if I did.  To this day, they think I moved out to be with my boyfriend, now husband.  I would have much rather finished out being a kid, but I loathe conflict and just wanted peace for everyone.  They moved about 3.5 hours away two years after I graduated high school.  I've lived in Oklahoma family-less, since 2005.  In that time we've made countless trips to see them, and they've made a handful of trips to see us.  Each time we get together good times are had.  My mom and I have always been very, very close despite the distance- she never really let me feel it.

A couple of years ago, that kind of changed.  I'm not sure what happened, but there was a specific shift and now it feels like I'm here and they are there.  Text messages got shorter (on their end) and phone calls go unanswered, visits have gotten much longer in between, yet the I love you's on social media have remained...  I figured it was because we didn't have children, and my brother who lives close to them does.  And suddenly they decided to foster baseball players; not little league players- but grown men with their own families, playing baseball for money.  They board them, feed them, and support them at all of the games (even bailed one out of jail).  My mom mourns one when they leave, they even made plans to visit one in another state/area.  They invite all of their friends, and there is no shortage of selfies documenting all the fun, It's hard not to sound like a selfish little brat, haha, trust me, I don't like the way this sounds or feels, and it's certainly not the feels that make said family want to spend more time with you, but like I said, I don't know what to do anymore.  It feels like they pretend to love me, but invest zero actual loves.

I miss my family, the unit that we used to be, and life is slipping further and further away from that point in time.  The grief I feel about this is very real, so much so that I even mustered the mustard enough to talk to my mom about it pretty directly, but unintended guilt trip begat guilt trip and nothing was resolved.  Plans were made to spend more time, and the grand plan she created to magically fix things never happened, and the weekend we had planned for was spent at the ballpark for them, again.

I have no idea why I'm writing this, lol.  Maybe to explain my vague statuses, maybe in hopes they do read it, maybe just to get it out so I stop posting emo crap, lol.  Either way, it sucks when life doesn't go like you picture it and this is just another one of those times.

Dog Mom of Two

I am officially a crazy dog mom of two :) 

Also my official sorry, not sorry for all the Cosmo blowing up FB! I'm OBSESSED :) 

Now, I started presenting the idea of another dog around my birthday last year.  I was met with all the reasons why we shouldn't.   A second dog was my request for every holiday and birthday after...  Yes, even his.  I wanted to rescue, he thought he might want a puppy.  I casually sent him rescue profiles and listened to what he thought about each one, taking note of his likes and dislikes.  I would take periodic breaks as not to push it, lol, then I would start sending him more specific rescue profiles! He would counter with puppy listings on CL- eventually the right rescue profile would come acrossed & Sunday 6/7 at an adoption event we met and brought our boy home.

Only took me 7 months folks!  One look at Cosmo and Brannon was ready to go pick him up!  Life has changed so much in the time we have been together!  I have to say, suffering from depression and anxiety completely changed my life.  Even when I started to feel better I was still stuck in the same physical routines that I was in when I was suffering and I really didn't know how to make that different.  

Cosmo is a husky/catahoula leopard dog mix and he requires two walks a day and lots of outside time!  Marley is loving it!  I have already lost two pounds since his arrival!  We have restructured our whole lives to accommodate and meet his needs!  It has made us ALL better!  He is crate training and doing AWESOME!  I am enjoying exposing myself to the outdoors a lot more often. He doesn't go out without us so we have all had a lot of playing and running around going on over here.  Loving and caring for him has really helped me, our walks are an amazing time for me and he won't let me miss it!  

We are SO happy to have him in our family and maybe for the first time ever, it is ALL about him and he is loving it.  

Currently

I saw this type of blog post on a blog that I follow, and decided to follow this format for my blog today :) I have changed the appearance of my blog, as well as reverted all of my previous blogs to drafts.  It's a fresh start anyways!

Currently I'm:

Listening... to an audio book, called The Remains by Vincent Zandri.  So far, so good.  I'm fresh off another murder mystery called, My Sister's Grave by Robert Dugoni.  I have read/listened to quite a few books this year: The Divergent Series, plus Four (a collection of shorts from his perspective), and the Hobbit.  I've started Lord of the Rings, but have found that I have to be in the mood in order to follow the story.  I love listening to them while I work and drive, they are my new addiction!

Eating...  A dark chocolate &; peanut butter kind bar with my coffee.

Drinking... Coffee, can't start my day without a cup!

Wearing...  Silver Jeans & a black sweat shirt from old navy.

Feeling...  Refreshed.  Had a little trip out of town recently to say goodbye to my Uncle Dennis, and the time with family, back in my favorite little town, playing with my niece, all while missing Brannon, Marley, and home desperately was really good for me.  It really put a lot of things in to perspective.

Weather...  LOVING IT!  I have been so cold this winter, much more cold than ever before.  I've always been hot natured until this winter!  Today was in the 70's and I basked in it every chance I got!

Wanting... My mini-bluetooth ear bud to come in the mail.  I should have it Friday!

Needing... A night at the movies!  It's been so long since I've gone, and there are quite a few movies I want to see!!

Thinking... About breaking out my sewing machine pretty soon.  I have a few embroidery patterns I've accumulated &; quite a few pretty kitchen towels stashed!

Enjoying... the beginnings of Spring.